Taking a hand that offers help
Today our journey started with a short boat ride from Portugal to Spain. When we got down to the dock a small boat was pulling up, emphasis on the small.
There was a nice helpful chap who was in charge of said boat. At first it seemed like it would be just the four of us on the boat, which seemed like quite enough for a small boat.
And then three more people turned up. The captain did not appear concerned about these extra folks, unlike me. I was quite concerned.
As he helped us all get on board from a very wobbly dock he offered his hand to help me balance stepping into the boat. I declined the offer and clambered on myself unaided.
The boat ride was glorious and the boat much sturdier than it looked! A beautiful way to start the day.
We pulled up to the dock in Spain and again the kind captain offered his hand to help me disembark. I was so reluctant to take it, but finally did and with his help stepped onto the dock with no problem.
Why tell you this story? I’ve only told the piece that anyone around could have told you. Recording the visible interactions with the captain, my refusal of help in the first instance and acceptance of help in the second instance.
What is not visible in that telling is the internal dialogue in my mind. Which went something like this…
“I can’t take his hand, I’ll be too heavy for him, he won’t be able to hold me steady and I’ll lose balance and fall. I can only trust myself to keep my balance and maneuver myself onto the boat, even if I look ridiculous and ungainly doing it.”
And later…
“He can’t possibly pull me off the boat, I’m too heavy. He’ll fall, or drop me, or hurt himself. But this feels like the only way to get off the boat. OK. I’ll risk it, I’ll give him my hand and let him help. Oh wow. It worked. I’m off the boat and we’re both fine. Phew.”
A lot of this Camino for me is to prove to myself (and maybe others) that something like this can be done by a person of my size. And part of this journey is battling the internal dialogues I have with myself constantly about my body and its size and weight. These relatively minor interactions today just provide a little insight into what’s going on in my brain a lot of the time. (Another part I did not mention yet was my worry that the side of the boat I was on would dip too far down into the water! Another unfounded worry, but it took up brain space).
What’s to be gained in telling such stories, putting this out into the world? This website is called inclusive thoughts - its intent is to help nurture conversations about inclusion of all kinds. One of my own personal challenges continues to be having inclusive thoughts about my own body in terms of its weight and size. I’m working on it, this Camino is part of that work.
So I offer this as an invitation to be kind to yourself in the areas where you might find that difficult. And maybe to accept the offer of help, no matter what you might be telling yourself on the inside.
